remember

When I was about six years old I came to the realisation that someday I would die. I was absolutely crippled with fear. I believed in God and hell. I was sure that God was screening my every thought. He saw that sometimes I thought about what it would be like if I set fire to the curtains or pushed my brother down the stairs. I never did these things, but merely thinking them proved that I was evil. I was sure God would punish me by sending me to hell.

I remember one new year sitting under the stairs crying and crying until I made myself sick because I couldn't get the image of my agonizing, fiery fate out of my head.

Somewhere along the line I learned how to soothe myself by thinking that it isn't happening yet and that when it happens there won't be anything I can do to stop it. So there is no point in worrying about it.

I need to remember how to do that.