Its like when you start to notice your hamster has been moping around a lot more lately. He walks a lot more slowly. His eyes are slightly more glazed over than normal and his fur is bushy and losing colour. When you received him you were more than aware that the average hamster lives no more than three years, but you ignored this fact.

All he wants to do is sleep.

You pretend you don't notice. You can't comprehend the unavoidable no matter how clear it is. You make an effort to take him out at least a few times a night, to compensate for all the times you shoved a pillow under his wheel while you were trying to sleep and he just wouldn't shut the fuck up. But he just doesn't want to run. No matter how much you both want him to, he just doesn't want to run.

Then comes the time when the obvious is unavoidable. He has been sitting in the corner of his cage for a few days, occasionally getting up for a drink of water then hobbling back to the same spot. You think about when he was healthy. Get teary about the good times spent. Sharing your digestives with him, teaching him how to climb the stairs. You even become nostalgic for the menial fall outs you had. When he escaped from his cage and you spent three hours turning the house upside down looking for him.

There is a knot in your stomach. You know its time. There is an emptiness there, a coldness. You feel the need to think over all the goodness. To black out the bad, now is not the time. You should give his furry little life the justice it so deserves.

He won't blink anymore.


i am free

i don't feel free.


J: Enjoy it while it lasts, Emma. Enjoy it while it lasts.

E: While what lasts?

J: Everything.

Things I will Do When Assessments Are Over:
  • Plant vegetables in my garden.

  • Finish painting my room.

  • Stop eating crappily.

  • See all the movies I have not been seeing.

  • Work as much as possible in order to save as much money as possible.

  • Go for lots of long walks.

  • Dance. Hard.

  • Catch up with all the people I am not caught up with.

  • Buy new shoes.